On several occasions, I have taught or blogged about language and the tricks of language. Two common tricks are "marriage" and "balance." Think a moment.
Okay, now how many times have you heard someone say "we need to work on our marriage" or "I don't know if he is committed to our marriage" or "our marriage is on the rocks" or "the secret to a healthy marriage"? If you are anything like me, these phrases are almost a constant litany from otherwise intelligent people.
The problem, of course, is that there is no "marriage" as such at all, there are just two people who relate to one another. When I say "we need to work on our marriage" that is as close to meaningless as I can come. I cannot "work on my marriage." It is not a car in my garage that I can tune up. The reality is that there is just me and my wife and the only person I can work on is me. Women will ask me how they can "get their husband more committed to their marriage." I tell them to give it up. You cannot get him to be committed to your marriage. The key is whether he is committed to you and whether you are committed to him. By talking about marriage, you stop talking about real people (you and your husband) and talk about something that has no real meaning.
"Balance" is another concept we need to get over. We will talk about needing to have a "balanced" life. We want to "balance" our work and our home life. We want to "balance" our duties to our children and our duties to our spouse. We will say "I need more balance" or "I am finally getting my balance" or some such phrase. Again, this is nonsense.
There is no balance for you to maintain. Balance is a word we use to justify saying "no" to things. We will fail to do something our family wants by saying "well, I need to keep balanced." Or we will fail to do something our work requires because we need to "keep a balance" with home. We will try to "balance" spiritual things with earthly things.
We do not need balance, we need to walk the way God tells us to walk. We need to do what needs to be done. If I have a conflict between my work and my family, then I have a conflict. Trying to imagine something called "balance" and then trying to make a decision on that basis is just creating another layer of trouble. Why not just resolve the conflict? You do not make life easier or better by imagining something called "balance" and then using your imagination as your standard.
We do these kind of things all the time. Imagine a world in which you are married to your spouse and your thoughts are about him or her, not about your "marriage." Take every line you say about a "marriage" and think about it in terms of your spouse. My goal, after all, is not to create some notion of a "perfect marriage," my goal is to be a great husband to my wife.
Do not let language add layers to your guilt or layers between you and other people. Don't talk to your husband about marriage or to your boss about balance, just live the life God has given you.
Okay, now how many times have you heard someone say "we need to work on our marriage" or "I don't know if he is committed to our marriage" or "our marriage is on the rocks" or "the secret to a healthy marriage"? If you are anything like me, these phrases are almost a constant litany from otherwise intelligent people.
The problem, of course, is that there is no "marriage" as such at all, there are just two people who relate to one another. When I say "we need to work on our marriage" that is as close to meaningless as I can come. I cannot "work on my marriage." It is not a car in my garage that I can tune up. The reality is that there is just me and my wife and the only person I can work on is me. Women will ask me how they can "get their husband more committed to their marriage." I tell them to give it up. You cannot get him to be committed to your marriage. The key is whether he is committed to you and whether you are committed to him. By talking about marriage, you stop talking about real people (you and your husband) and talk about something that has no real meaning.
"Balance" is another concept we need to get over. We will talk about needing to have a "balanced" life. We want to "balance" our work and our home life. We want to "balance" our duties to our children and our duties to our spouse. We will say "I need more balance" or "I am finally getting my balance" or some such phrase. Again, this is nonsense.
There is no balance for you to maintain. Balance is a word we use to justify saying "no" to things. We will fail to do something our family wants by saying "well, I need to keep balanced." Or we will fail to do something our work requires because we need to "keep a balance" with home. We will try to "balance" spiritual things with earthly things.
We do not need balance, we need to walk the way God tells us to walk. We need to do what needs to be done. If I have a conflict between my work and my family, then I have a conflict. Trying to imagine something called "balance" and then trying to make a decision on that basis is just creating another layer of trouble. Why not just resolve the conflict? You do not make life easier or better by imagining something called "balance" and then using your imagination as your standard.
We do these kind of things all the time. Imagine a world in which you are married to your spouse and your thoughts are about him or her, not about your "marriage." Take every line you say about a "marriage" and think about it in terms of your spouse. My goal, after all, is not to create some notion of a "perfect marriage," my goal is to be a great husband to my wife.
Do not let language add layers to your guilt or layers between you and other people. Don't talk to your husband about marriage or to your boss about balance, just live the life God has given you.